A Linkin Park Fest

Thanks to "The Transformers" movies, I've started liking Linkin park.  And these songs, well, they rock.  They're great for my anger and my depression.  My feelings of hopelessness.  I'll never be a metal head, but pure emotion of the music and the lyrics screams it all out for me.  Amen.

A Movie Clip That Says Everything

This is pretty much how I feel right now.

Love this movie.

Volunteering: The Cure For My Pity Party

 

Today was my last day at work.  I had been there for a year and a half.  As I was cleaning out my office, I was surprised by the amount of STUFF that I had accumulated.  Books, more books, and even more books.  Pediatric references titles of all kinds.  Gifts from the kids-- my patients.  (Moving those to the car was emotionally difficult.  I nearly cried.  I am going to miss my patients so much.)  A sweet, neon green teddy bear from one of my coworkers.  Toys that I bought to keep the kiddos busy while I spoke to their parents.  (Since I don't have kids...yet...I had to buy them.  Trio sets, drawing boards, tanagrams.  All educational toys but still fun.  I am picky about what toys I buy for the office.) 

I said goodbye to my last patient and I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.  I've been in pediatrics for ten years.  I've always loved pediatrics; it's the only thing I've ever wanted to do.  I felt like I was losing a major piece of myself. 

I continued to feel like a sad sack on my way to my volunteering event this evening.  I was ushering for a Bel Canto concert.  Bel Canto is a phenomenal professional choir here in Greensboro.  They specialize in classical choir music but also venture into gospel and such.  Since I'm on their board, I help out at the concerts.  But tonight, I really thought that all I wanted to do was go home and lose my mind. 

But here's the wonderful, transformational thing about volunteering and helping people out.  It makes me feel happy.  I had fun greeting the guests, handing out programs, and taking their tickets.  I felt so good to share a smile with the concert-goers.  I had a spring in my step and real joy in my heart by the time I had finished my little volunteering duties.  I felt like my soul was unburdened.  I was freed from the stress and the anxiety.   It's the happiest I've felt in a long time.  Yay!  So while I'm on my path to the my next job, I'm going to keep volunteering, not just with Bel Canto, but other places too.  Maybe at the animal shelter :-)

Freedom from fear and joy from giving.  Amen.

"If You Want Me..."

Are you really here or am I dreaming
I can’t tell dreams from truth
For it’s been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance calls its only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes a lover that sighs

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

Are you really sure that you believe me
When others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
You know I really try
To be a better one to satisfy you for you’re everything to me
And I do what you ask me
If you let me be free

If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

If you want me satisfy me

If you want me satisfy me

source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/soundtracks/o/oncelyrics/ifyouwantmelyrics.html

The Music of My Life Right Now

The music that perfectly expresses my mood and my feelings right now.

Philip Phillips,"Home."  (Also a shout-out to a NC homeboy! And his story of strength, courage, and keeping going after your dreams.)

I'm about driving beats right now, so "Some Nights," by Fun is getting a lot of airplay, too.

And quiet hymn about keeping faith...."Shall We Gather At The River."  To remind me that "unknown" doesn't mean "completely lost."

Peace be with you.  And may peace dwell within my soul. Amen.

Working For…Nothing?

So today was day two of my last two weeks of work.   I’ve worked during a notice period before and I’ve been struck by the irony of the situation.  For instance, Tuesdays are the weekly staff meeting at my job. And today, the agenda was all about stuff that happens after I leave next week.  In essence, the meeting was a waste of my time…then again, perhaps it wasn’t.  I’m trying to leave my office on the best terms possible (which is again, ironic, seeing that I’m being forced to resign due to a personality conflict).  So I figured, it was better to show my face at the meeting, smile, nod, and stay out of all of the hefty decisions being made for the future. 

And then there’s the issue of tying up loose ends.  I still have to make phone calls and sign paperwork and forward paperwork to the right places.  All while informing the various people with whom I interact on a daily basis that I won’t be here after next week and the contact person is now going to be so-and-so.   I’ve often wondered how much of what I’m doing in my last two weeks is a moot point?  To be honest, I think very little of what I do is a moot point.  Not because I’m an arrogant bastard.  It’s the fact that the product of my work fills an important niche in my organization.  (The personality clash is/was a separate issue from my actual job.  Irony #3.  Or perhaps Irony #1.)

And then there’s the inevitable, “Oh, what are you moving on to?”  And I feel embarrassed to say the truth, which today was a number of variations of, “I don’t know.”  And in my carefully structured world, that’s like staring into the void.  

Into the Unknown

The statue in the picture above is about courage.  Those four men, students at the time, stepped into the unknown and stood up for what they believed in by sitting at a Woolworth's lunch counter.  The men were African American.   Their actions brought about the end of segregation.  That lunch counter sits in the Smithsonian.  That Woolworth's is here in Greensboro, NC.  

And today, their courage inspires me.  My journey may not change the world, but it is changing my life.

I’ve always had a plan.  Always.  Well, except for maybe after college graduation, but then I was 22.  

My friends tease me about having back up plans for my back up plans…

 But today, I turned in my two weeks notice at my job.  My job that I loved.  That I put in ten years of my life to get.  But the workplace was toxic.  Okay.  And I had a personality clash with my boss.   So I had two choices: I could resign or I would be fired.  Resigning was the slightly better choice.  Slightly.

I have no prospects lined up.   I have slightly less than three months savings in my bank.  I have $30,000+ of student loan debt.  My family…I don’t want to go there yet.  I’m young, I have bankable skills…but I feel like I’m falling without a safety net.

Today was my first experience in trusting the unknown.  I’ve always prepared for the worst because I expected the worst.   Today, I start to learn that the universe has options for me, even though I can’t see them right now.  Today, I plant the seed of hope that my life will be okay, that I will be okay, even though I don’t know what’s next.

I have my fabulous, amazing friends to thank.  My family…well, I haven’t gone there yet.   My friends are my safety net.  Emotionally, physically, and for right now, financially.  Thank you to my awesome, generous, fantastic friends.  A, J, M, and F.  Thank you.  I could say it in every language known to humankind and I still wouldn’t have the words to express my depth of gratitude.